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The Bhatias are not alone: In a national survey conducted by data analytics firm YouGov in 2020, only 56 percent cited complete monogamy as their ideal relationship style, a 5 percent drop from 2016. An estimated 23 percent of respondents said their relationships were already non-monogamous, echoing breakthrough 2017 research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, which found that more than one in five single Americans in their study had tried consensual non-monogamy. “You could go to the grocery store, close your eyes, point at someone, and as long as there’s at least five people in that grocery store, one of them is probably engaged in non-monogamy,” says one of the study’s authors, Amy Moors, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. At a minimum, the CNM community is “as large as the LGBTQ population in the United States,” Kimberly Rhoten, a founding member of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, tells me.
Nor is aspiring to monogamy any longer the societal default: When asked about their relationship ideal, from completely open to completely monogamous, the number of people who replied “I don’t know” more than doubled in the 2020 YouGov study, leaping from 5 percent in 2016 to 12 percent. “More people are starting to question,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., an adjunct professor of human sexuality at New York University, who researches non-monogamy. “There are a couple of cultural shifts that are really making monogamy—complete, strict, lifelong monogamy—a very difficult thing to pull off.”
Though a pandemic might seem inimical to meeting new partners (social distancing and swinging hardly mix), Feeld—an app catering to open relationships, founded in 2014—has “bloomed” during COVID, according to its CEO, Ana Kirova. The company reports its monthly active global users have doubled since January 2020, and U.S. users increased 41 percent between January and September 2021. Kirova theorizes that the pandemic sparked a kind of global identity crisis: “A wake-up call, like someone flicked a switch,” she says. “Life is not guaranteed. Anything that you wanted to do for your happiness was just not worth postponing. Humans are what make life worth living.” Along with the reconsideration of careers and jobs and a migration from cities to suburbs, the pandemic has occasioned a cultural shift in the bedroom: “Maybe I want to have sex with other people,” Moors says. “Why am I just skipping along to these unwritten rules?
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